Rainy days

I’m so tired of rain :( Yuck yuck yuck. I need sunshine and love and happiness in my life. I seem to have come down with strep throat or some throat infection of some sort. I’m exhausted, feverish, have disgusting spots on my throat, and it’s super sore. I don’t have an appetite, which is good because it hurts to swallow anyway. I’m ready to feel better. Someone come love on me.

 

Side note, I was told at work that I’ve been doing a great job, which makes me feel good. Reassurance always helps. I still feel a bit derpy that my mother works in the same agency as I do, since she comes around to my cubicle and kisses my cheek in the hallway and stuff all the time. HELLO? EMBARASSING MUCH? :) I love my mom. Her birthday is coming up and what I ordered in the mail from amazon better get here in time OR ELSEEE. Also, I need my new nose hoops that I ordered as well since I seem to keep yanking my nose stud out… or pushing it in, which is bizarre. Oh well.

 

There seem to be some exciting things happening nowadays, and I am looking forward to the future. Work is going well, I’ve met new exciting and handsome people :), and I’ve been back on an exercise kick, which all makes me super happy. Money troubles are still lingering, BUT I believe they’ll work themselves out. I’ve been pretty okay with saving and not spending like a psychopath. Anyway, that’s all for now. Party on. Oh, and go hump someone! Hump day! :)

End of April thoughts.

Well, the end of the month has arrived. I can’t believe I’ve been back in Wilmington for almost 3 months now. I love my job — the coworkers are nice and everyone is willing to help you, which is not something I’m used to. Things seem to be OK on the homefront; kitties have adjusted well to the new digs, and my brother lives with me presently. We’re working on that part. He got a job, which is great, so, I won’t be footing the bill for too much longer.

Trying to meet new people. The people I knew here that I thought I could trust and that were “caring” turned out to care mainly about themselves, and those ties have since been severed. I wish people would be honest and upfront from the beginning. Explain your intentions. Offer reassurance. Would you allow someone you know and love, say, a family member, to be treated poorly? Why treat someone that way? Makes no sense. I personally have tried to be as honest as possible and I know I have my own faults and downfalls, but I try to correct them.

I am lonely. I work a lot. I think too much. I want love. I want affection. I want something real and new. I also want to avoid rushing into something. Wise men say only fools rush in, after all. Sometimes I get carried away, and I’m trying not to do that. Maybe it’s in a desperate effort to hold on and avoid losing something great, but somehow it becomes mangled and turns everyone away. I’ve been on my own for a while now, emotionally and romantically. I’m just hoping to find my starting place and hopefully there will be someone great at the finish line, waiting patiently.

 

 

 

 

Been a long, long time…

Well, it has been quite some time since my last post. A LOT has happened. A lot a lot. Like… needing a new word for “a lot”. I actually applied and was offered a position at the New Hanover County Department of Social Services and kicked my ol’ awful position in Forsyth county to the wayside, picked up my life, and moved back home. Been beaten down emotionally for a while, and was ready for something new. Beaten down mainly by myself, which is pretty bad. I haven’t had as much appreciation for myself lately as I should. Knowing how to is really difficult for me for some reason. I’m trying to pick up the pieces, but it’s as useless and as difficult as attempting to swim against the ocean’s powerful current. I let bad in, keep it in and forbid the good to enter or stay. I do love my new job and being in my semi-hometown and still keep in contact with my good friends from Winston. That, I feel good about. I’ve tried to stay as busy as possible. I’ve been reading. Playing guitar. Getting rest. Writing. Clearly, neglecting this blog. I hope and pray for time to heal me and I hope my efforts also don’t go unnnoticed. Time will tell.

I just ride….

“I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me that I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiviness that was as wide as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way I’d be lying- because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one- who belonged to everyone, who had nothing- who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obssesion for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about- and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.”

- LDR

Ombre!

Ombre!

New hairrrrrr. Party.

plain gold ring

plain gold ring on his finger, he wore..

I’m a sociopath; sweet serial killer, i’m on a war path cause i love you just a little too much..

It is quite cold and rainy out today. I wasn’t quite sure how to dress for this weather, considering it’s been warm for months. I’m wearing a skirt, boots, tank, cardigan, and a scarf. I suppose it works. Sitting at my desk, drinking my coffee, trying to get into my work and it’s a struggle. Every case is the EXACT SAME. Motonony at its worst. I’m bored. I’m frustrated. I feel empty. I feel unwanted.

I’ve regretfully put myself in situations that have been dangerous, destructive, and ethically wrong; no real logic behind any of it, but just wanting something. Wanting a high. Wanting to feel loved and wanted for those fleeting, thrilling moments. Even now, my feelings have become jumbled and much like a puzzle with most of the pieces missing. I must be one stupid, stupid girl. Stupid enough to think it was worth it. Stupid enough to think it was more. I need to focus on myself and not on others’ feelings towards me, because in the end, I’m only left with myself. The thrill of the rush is becoming too much, and I’m left with everything. Heavy heart and absent-minded brain fight one another.

 

 

 

 

I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it. But I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, don’t know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me.

typical shit.

typical shit.

always lookin crazy. always. party.the.fuck.on.

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